Random Thoughts

From friends to best friends to lovers to exes one major life cycle that shapes us in more ways than we can imagine. We all got our stories about our relationships with others. I mean ain’t that what we’re supposed to do; live, love, laugh and make memories with our loved ones. And in each memory made, each laughter shared, every love that has blossomed and every breathe we take, there’s still this voice that urges you to enjoy it while it lasts cause nothing lasts forever, right?

The biggest part and main reason why we have people around us is to make memories cause people may drift but memories can’t be erased. “Live for now cause tomorrow isn’t promised” my bestfriend usually tells me. I mean why should you stress about the inevitable yet you can make memories of that particular time and cherish it as long as you can. If he’d told me this earlier maybe I wouldn’t be so torn about my past relationships.

If there’s one thing that has helped me cope with every situation or challenge I face it sure is Positivity. Positivity is what has pulled me from the deepest pits of my dark thoughts, healed me from my worst heartbreaks and prepared me for whatever is coming ahead. I know it’s easier said than done but that’s where the closest persons you have come in handy. They can either build you and help you through it or make you crumble and lose it. If none of your closest persons can’t help and guide you through your tribulations then your choice of friends isn’t as good as you thought.

I found love in places I never thought I would. I found love in a person I could never have seen myself with, I found love in an online stranger I never thought would mean the world to me. I’m still looking for love even right now with someone I never thought would look my way, simple plain Jane. I’ve found love in myself, one of the hardest places I could ever find love. If there’s one thing that love has taught me is that the end game is determined by the work and effort you put while you try to make love germinate as a seed and grow into a crop that can finally be harvested and it’s fruit enjoyed.

But in my efforts in trying to find love, I’ve learnt that people want to harvest where they haven’t made any effort to plant, weed and water the seed and let it germinate and grow under suitable conditions, just because the work is too tedious and time wasting for them. But even with all this I’m still looking and searching for a place where love may grow. But hey, I’m still young, what’s the rush?

Have you found love? Have you made or still making enough memories to last you a lifetime? Are you happy and in love with yourself? Leave a comment and tell me all about it โค๏ธ

Dear Diary๐Ÿ“’

It’s been a month, a month that has been torture at it’s best painful at it’s best but it’s whatever I brought it to myself so all I have to say is whatever happens happens and it already happened so let’s learn to live with the consequences ๐Ÿ˜‘

But anyways whom am I lying to๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t go a day without wondering what he’s doing or where he at ๐Ÿฅบ or who he is with๐Ÿฅด Did he move on as I think he has or is it that he’s still holding on to the thought of us just like I do๐Ÿ˜ช But he said I’m hard to move on from and after me there’d probably never be another ๐Ÿ˜

I mean I messed up I know, and if I could take back what happened I would but this ain’t August anymore is it? We’re not moving past this are we? (guess not๐Ÿ’”) I’m torn because I can’t move a day without thinking about you. I wonder if you do the same. Some nights I’m wishing you would call me like you used to even though you didn’t want to but you just had to๐Ÿฅบ. I could call I know but the big question is will you pick up? I guess not๐Ÿ’”

I wish I could continue writing past this but Dear Diary I can’t get myself to do it. I’m too torn, too hurt, too broken๐Ÿ™‚ I guess it’s two thousand and seventeen all over again but this time without my best friend ๐Ÿ’”

Old Fashioned Love๐Ÿ’•

Take me back to those days when love was just more than just the three letters. Where if you said you loved me and I said I loved you it would be because we mean it not because it’s what we both want to hear.

If you would’ve asked me what love is five years ago I would have given you a list of what I thought love was but write now as I write this I don’t even know what it is, I don’t know how it feels and I don’t know how it starts but I definitely know how it ends.

“You’re too young too fall in love”, one would say “do you even know what love is?” Another would ask, but quick question, what is your definition of love? Have you ever been in love? If so, how does it feel being in love? I hope I’m not asking too much questions.

“I love you!” Three letter word that can turn a person’s whole world around. But do you love me or are you obsessed with me or are you in love with the idea of being in love with me? You tell me you do love me but how I’m I to trust that? I get it it’s not your fault I have insecurities but a little bit of assurance won’t hurt. Forgive me if I’m wrong but you’re not in love with me never have been.

I want that old fashioned kinda love. A love that isn’t dictated by what society deems as #couplegoals but one that we can be perfectly imperfect. A love I won’t have to doubt who you’re with whom you talk to what are you hiding because my circle is yours my secrets are yours to keep.

It’s all or nothing.

Dear Diary ๐Ÿ“’; A letter to my crush๐Ÿฅบ

Is it the fact that I ๐Ÿ˜Š I ๐Ÿ˜‚ I have a sense of humor๐Ÿ˜ and I have a lot of people hanging around me๐Ÿ‘ฏ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿฟโ€๐Ÿคโ€๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘ญ๐Ÿฟ that you can’t see that the smile does not reach my eyes๐Ÿ™‚, the laugh is forced๐Ÿ˜ the sense of humor hides my insecurities๐Ÿ˜‘ and the friends are just a source of distraction ๐Ÿ˜ช

Distraction from the shell I hide in๐Ÿ’” the walls I’ve built up high no one can climb๐ŸŒš all just because I’m afraid of you seeing the empty depressed lonely side of me which is the actual me๐Ÿ™‚

Afraid that once you see this you’ll flee because you cannot handle a depressed human with a lot more troubles and insecurities that you can’t handle as you have those of your own ๐Ÿ˜ช Afraid that you will panic and leave when my anxiety kicks in and you don’t know how to deal with it๐Ÿ˜” Afraid that the insecurities I have that make me overthink about your intentions towards me will push you away ๐Ÿ˜ Afraid that you’ll draw me in make me obsessed and dependent on you just to up and leave like I never meant ish to you๐Ÿ’”

I’m I wrong to think of all these things that make me afraid to believe that you actually like me genuinely with my flaws๐Ÿฅบ Wrong to think that you actually like me because of the company I keep๐Ÿ˜ Wrong to think that you like me because I’m a puzzle to you one that intrigues you๐Ÿ™‚ Wrong to think that I’m a maze that you want to uncover it’s secret doors and later leave when you’re done๐Ÿ˜”

I’m sorry that I can’t be a normal girl who knows what she wants but instead a messed up girl who is just as confused about herself ๐Ÿ˜ฃ If only I was just a normal girl then I’d like you without triggering my insecurities and just say,”Fudge it ๐Ÿ˜ƒ it is what it is ๐Ÿ˜Š” but sadly I’m not๐Ÿ˜ž

I wish I could tell you to please wait for me until I’m better or just hold me until everything gets better ๐Ÿฅบ I wish it were that simple ๐Ÿ˜“

When you see this I hope it won’t change your mind about me๐Ÿฅบ about us๐Ÿฅบ because I actually like you too๐Ÿฅบ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘ˆ๐Ÿพ

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness
Jonathan Safran Foer

Incase you see this๐Ÿ’”

I think we rushed that’s why he left, or maybe it was my stubbornness, or did I offend him? I guess I did offend him๐Ÿ˜ช Or is because I refused to show up on his birthday, or is it about the girl he told me not to worry about ๐Ÿฅบ Did I do wrong by telling him I didn’t like her? Or is because I went through his phone that morning that everything went left๐Ÿ˜ช Was I the problem? Or was the sex that bad? Was I not assuring enough for him to open up to me? Or is it that I was pushy?

Please make me understand why he opted to up and leave. He said he loved me he promised to stay by me. Did my anxiety push him away or was it my insecurities? I wanted it to work God knows I did but why didn’t he feel the same way? I guess I’ll never know ๐Ÿ˜“ I guess it’ll be this way till forever. But what forever is it ๐Ÿ’” is it the same forever he meant when he said that forever ain’t forever if it ain’t with me?๐Ÿ’”

All I ever wanted was us all I still want is us but if that’s not what you wanted why didn’t you say so? Were you afraid to break my heart the same way you broke it when you chose to leave? Or was it because you felt pity for little ol’ Lexie?

Should I call him and get my answers? Will he pick or will he decline the call like he did the rest ๐Ÿ˜“ It hurts, make it stop. I can’t do this, I can’t feel shit, please make it stop๐Ÿ’”

Dear Diary ๐Ÿ“

I’m scared. This is the first actual time I’m saying this. I’m scared I’m losing myself. I don’t know how to explain this feeling but I’m tired of putting up a facade when I know I’m not okay. I don’t know who I am. I’m just an empty shell of who I used to be.

If you’d look at me you’d really admire the kind of happiness I hold. Most people know me as quite bubbly but I’m I really? They don’t know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep, how many times I’ve wished that I could talk to somebody, anybody. But I can’t not because I don’t want to but because I can’t form words to explain my hurt my pain my emptiness.

Sitting on my bed at night asking myself where I went wrong. What I’m lucking. Is this how I’ll spend the rest of my life? Cause I don’t want it. I don’t.

I’m slowly breaking but no one can tell. They said those who laugh loudest have a lot to hide but seems like not all of them know.

High expectations, that fucked me up. Overthinking, ruined me. But for pits sake I’m only a teen. I’m still learning so why me? Guess it’s a phase we all go through.

It hurts you know, when those around you can’t see through you. Everyone thinks you’re fine cause you’re still young so what got you stressing when you should be living your best life? I wish I knew too.

Somebody hurts you yet you apologize to them,”My bad, I’m sorry.” Why you ask? Cause you don’t want to lose them. It’s the fear of being alone, the fear of not being surrounded by people, it’s the fear of not being enough.

Anywho, who cares anyway? No one just like I thought.

I seek to be free, mind body and soul ๐Ÿ˜ช


How are you? How’ve you been? It’s been a minute since we last talked or seen each other. Hope you’re fairing on well.

I know you’re wondering why I’m writing this. But hey you know I used to do this — the long 3am texts about my wild thoughts, my insecurities, us, the future and a lot more. So it’s no news I guess.

Do you miss me? Do you think about me? Do you have dreams about me? Or do you resent me? Or hate me? Or hate the thoughts of me? Cause if I were you I’d choose the latter cause what I did ain’t easy to process. But hey at that time that felt like the right thing to do.

If we ever meet again do you think the attraction will still be there? Cause once upon a time I believed you were my soulmate. I know it’s crazy how things have been going with us still talking even after the events that took place, but do you trust me like I think you do? Or I’m I just lying to myself? Don’t answer I guess we both know the answer.

I’d say I still love you but I don’t know anymore. Let me leave it at there cause I ain’t shedding no more tears.

Yours truly


Let me leave it at there cause I ain’t shedding no more tears

Are You Happy or Faking It?๐Ÿ™ƒ

Everyday when I meet people on the way smiling or laughing my first question is always Are they happy or is it just for show?

We all have demons and endless battles that we are fighting. 9/10 times nobody around us notices or knows about it. Just smile and act cheerful and trust me they’ll assume everything’s fine. I’ve done this and I also know you too have done this. Maybe we all have different reasons why we do this.

Maybe it’s because you don’t want anyone to have pity on you, or maybe it’s cause your ego won’t allow you to confide in anyone or maybe you don’t want to “bother” anyone since they’re also going through something or any other excuse you have.

I’m a victim of this. I don’t usually open up to anyone because I’m usually afraid of people’s reactions. When you open up to anyone some might find it petty and tell you of other people’s problems that are bigger than yours or others will tell you to get over it cause it’s just a phase.

Anyway most of my friends tend to say OPENING UP IS A SCAM and I won’t deny this cause I also dwell on this rule๐Ÿ˜‚ don’t judge me ๐Ÿ˜‚. But once in a while it’s good to talk to someone and if you can’t everyday we are always told that GOD listens even the Bible says so, so talk to Him he’ll listen.

Faking happiness and hiding your silent battles will only lead you to depression, and we all know depression ain’t a joke. As they say PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE ain’t it?

Whatever it is you’re going through you’re not alone cause there’s always someone out here ready to lend you a listening ear๐Ÿ˜‡. A problem shared is half solved, isn’t it?๐Ÿ˜‰

And loves before I forget๐Ÿ˜‰;

  • Sanitize
  • Wear your mask when you’re going out
  • Practice social distancing

Happy Eid al-Adha to all my Muslim brothers and sisters ๐Ÿ˜‡๐Ÿ˜‡


So today I was going through some videos on YouTube and I ran across a certain girl’s channel I actually don’t remember the name of the channel, but it’s title was quite catchy. It read ‘WHY ARE YOU UGLY?’ and like any normal person (especially us ladies) would click that play button to get answers cause for real I’d really like to know why I’m ugly or why people think I’m ugly๐Ÿ’€

So the lady mostly talked about her experience especially in Instagram. Everybody wants to be Gram famous (Soshis as we Kenyans call them) and for that to happen you really have to have a flashy lifestyle especially if you are a guy or an hour glass figure for us ladies. So this girl went ahead to explain that most of what we see on social media ain’t real. So she talked of these app that IG baddies use to get the best angles and figures. Have you ever wondered why you hit the gym or do home workouts but still don’t get that tiny waist you see most ladies on IG have or the abs and muscles those guys have? It’s cause unlike you who’s working out to get there, they Photoshop theirs and boom there goes the body goals you’ve been dreaming about.

Enough of all that story, there’s nothing like being UGLY. You being ugly is just a mentality and an insecurity you have. Everyone’s beautiful you just have to believe that and remind yourself each day you look in the mirror in the morning that you are beautiful and heck all God’s creation is beautiful cause we are all made in His image. I’m very sure that everyone has been told that he/she is beautiful it don’t matter who that compliment came from. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and beauty begins from within you and from that you’ll get self love and then the confidence will build up which you’ll finally learn to believe that you are beautiful.

Remember SELF LOVE is the beginning of everything.