Dear Diary 📝

I’m scared. This is the first actual time I’m saying this. I’m scared I’m losing myself. I don’t know how to explain this feeling but I’m tired of putting up a facade when I know I’m not okay. I don’t know who I am. I’m just an empty shell of who I used to be.

If you’d look at me you’d really admire the kind of happiness I hold. Most people know me as quite bubbly but I’m I really? They don’t know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep, how many times I’ve wished that I could talk to somebody, anybody. But I can’t not because I don’t want to but because I can’t form words to explain my hurt my pain my emptiness.

Sitting on my bed at night asking myself where I went wrong. What I’m lucking. Is this how I’ll spend the rest of my life? Cause I don’t want it. I don’t.

I’m slowly breaking but no one can tell. They said those who laugh loudest have a lot to hide but seems like not all of them know.

High expectations, that fucked me up. Overthinking, ruined me. But for pits sake I’m only a teen. I’m still learning so why me? Guess it’s a phase we all go through.

It hurts you know, when those around you can’t see through you. Everyone thinks you’re fine cause you’re still young so what got you stressing when you should be living your best life? I wish I knew too.

Somebody hurts you yet you apologize to them,”My bad, I’m sorry.” Why you ask? Cause you don’t want to lose them. It’s the fear of being alone, the fear of not being surrounded by people, it’s the fear of not being enough.

Anywho, who cares anyway? No one just like I thought.

I seek to be free, mind body and soul 😪

TO MY LONG LOST LOVER

How are you? How’ve you been? It’s been a minute since we last talked or seen each other. Hope you’re fairing on well.

I know you’re wondering why I’m writing this. But hey you know I used to do this — the long 3am texts about my wild thoughts, my insecurities, us, the future and a lot more. So it’s no news I guess.

Do you miss me? Do you think about me? Do you have dreams about me? Or do you resent me? Or hate me? Or hate the thoughts of me? Cause if I were you I’d choose the latter cause what I did ain’t easy to process. But hey at that time that felt like the right thing to do.

If we ever meet again do you think the attraction will still be there? Cause once upon a time I believed you were my soulmate. I know it’s crazy how things have been going with us still talking even after the events that took place, but do you trust me like I think you do? Or I’m I just lying to myself? Don’t answer I guess we both know the answer.

I’d say I still love you but I don’t know anymore. Let me leave it at there cause I ain’t shedding no more tears.

Yours truly

Cheri

Let me leave it at there cause I ain’t shedding no more tears

Are You Happy or Faking It?🙃

Everyday when I meet people on the way smiling or laughing my first question is always Are they happy or is it just for show?

We all have demons and endless battles that we are fighting. 9/10 times nobody around us notices or knows about it. Just smile and act cheerful and trust me they’ll assume everything’s fine. I’ve done this and I also know you too have done this. Maybe we all have different reasons why we do this.

Maybe it’s because you don’t want anyone to have pity on you, or maybe it’s cause your ego won’t allow you to confide in anyone or maybe you don’t want to “bother” anyone since they’re also going through something or any other excuse you have.

I’m a victim of this. I don’t usually open up to anyone because I’m usually afraid of people’s reactions. When you open up to anyone some might find it petty and tell you of other people’s problems that are bigger than yours or others will tell you to get over it cause it’s just a phase.

Anyway most of my friends tend to say OPENING UP IS A SCAM and I won’t deny this cause I also dwell on this rule😂 don’t judge me 😂. But once in a while it’s good to talk to someone and if you can’t everyday we are always told that GOD listens even the Bible says so, so talk to Him he’ll listen.

Faking happiness and hiding your silent battles will only lead you to depression, and we all know depression ain’t a joke. As they say PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE ain’t it?

Whatever it is you’re going through you’re not alone cause there’s always someone out here ready to lend you a listening ear😇. A problem shared is half solved, isn’t it?😉

And loves before I forget😉;

• Sanitize
• Wear your mask when you’re going out
• Practice social distancing

Happy Eid al-Adha to all my Muslim brothers and sisters 😇😇

WHY ARE YOU UGLY?

So today I was going through some videos on YouTube and I ran across a certain girl’s channel I actually don’t remember the name of the channel, but it’s title was quite catchy. It read ‘WHY ARE YOU UGLY?’ and like any normal person (especially us ladies) would click that play button to get answers cause for real I’d really like to know why I’m ugly or why people think I’m ugly💀

So the lady mostly talked about her experience especially in Instagram. Everybody wants to be Gram famous (Soshis as we Kenyans call them) and for that to happen you really have to have a flashy lifestyle especially if you are a guy or an hour glass figure for us ladies. So this girl went ahead to explain that most of what we see on social media ain’t real. So she talked of these app that IG baddies use to get the best angles and figures. Have you ever wondered why you hit the gym or do home workouts but still don’t get that tiny waist you see most ladies on IG have or the abs and muscles those guys have? It’s cause unlike you who’s working out to get there, they Photoshop theirs and boom there goes the body goals you’ve been dreaming about.

Enough of all that story, there’s nothing like being UGLY. You being ugly is just a mentality and an insecurity you have. Everyone’s beautiful you just have to believe that and remind yourself each day you look in the mirror in the morning that you are beautiful and heck all God’s creation is beautiful cause we are all made in His image. I’m very sure that everyone has been told that he/she is beautiful it don’t matter who that compliment came from. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and beauty begins from within you and from that you’ll get self love and then the confidence will build up which you’ll finally learn to believe that you are beautiful.

Remember SELF LOVE is the beginning of everything.

Darkness people are afraid of it but live in it It’s the only real thing about anyone cause as much as happiness is what we all want it will never outdo the darkness most of us live in. We all have monsters hiding inside our closets or under our beds and the only way to overcome the fear of these monsters is to embrace them and learn to live with them cause even in darkness at first we don’t see but once we adjust to it we see in it.

Even in darkness there’s still light

Achieng👑

To that little girl no one ever believed in

That little girl no one loved

That little girl that was forced to grow even before her time

That little girl that never believed love existed

That little girl that hated the world

That little girl whose soul was engulfed into darkness

Whose life became utter darkness

And finally learnt to embrace her darkness

One day you’ll rise

It’s almost

Just hold on

#longreads #turmoil