CHANGE

One of the hardest thing to do in life is CHANGE. Change literally comes with it’s pros and cons and either can outweigh the other by how you define change in your own terms. Change to me has literally been the hardest thing I’ve had to undergo. At first I thought that it would be easy cause I liked the thought of a challenge but turns out the universe had its own plan with me. Honestly if you would have told me four months ago that I’d be so many counties away from home where I barely knew anyone I would have called you out of your BS. But guess what? Here I am all the way in Kwale, away from home or anything that reminds me of home. I know you might be wondering how I just woke up one day and decided that yeah this isn’t it and just up and left home and came here, cause same love, same. Sometimes I think to myself that maybe I was not thinking clearly and this decision was rushed and then at other times I think to myself that this was probably the best decision I ever made in my entire life.

Let’s start with how I got here shall we? Last year probably around April I was talking to my grandma’ on phone and I was venting on how I don’t like the course I was pursuing at that time in uni and her being the most supportive person ever asked me to change my course or change both school and the course. At first the idea sounded wild but the adventurous side of me was like why not, I mean I’m young and I have all the time in the world, so I applied to join another college and a different course in mid May 2021. If only I knew what I was signing up for. Fast forward mid Feb this year I got an acceptance letter and honestly I was in denial considering I was posted so far away from home and I hated the thought of being taken out of my cormfort zone honestly. I still ended up coming here cause honestly who would pass on seeing the ocean view anytime you feel like it. But anyway so far so good I’d like to believe that.

On to the three main PROS shall we?
Firstly, if you have ever relocated to a new place you obviously understand how peaceful it is to be somewhere where absolutely no one knows about you or where you are from. It’s the peace that comes with the illusion that you can actually have a fresh start and maybe just maybe things may work out this time round. And that thought has literally been therapeutic at some point especially since I have to be my own emotional and mental support.

Secondly, if you know me, you probably know that I am a social butterfly, but ever since I came here. it’s like I unlocked a totally knew person. I actually came into realization that I’m an extroverted-introvert. At first I thought that it was just a phase as I was still trying to adapt to my new environment but apparently it’s just who I am as a person and honestly I actually am in love with this whole new realization. I’m still trying to find myself and hopefully I’ll be in love with her.

Thirdly, I’ve learnt to see things from a whole different perspective based deeply on me trying to relate to people and different ideas on things and not just from my point of view. This has helped in getting acquinted with different people and also to ease my mind on the fact that this is a new environment which is totally foreign to us but we somehow have to adapt and try to relate.

To the three main CONS:
Adapting to a totally new place where you know absolutely no one and the climate is hot as hell, has to be the hardest thing one has to undergo after relocating. So where I actually am is still deep rooted in a small swahili village along the coast and coming from an urban place to a rural place will take a toll on you. If you don’t have anyone to vent to about any slight inconvinience you go through, might actually drive you insane honestly. But time is all you need and yeah it will take a while. More than once I have entertained the idea of leaving but well I can’t so I just have to be grown and pick myself up.

As the saying goes, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but what they did not tell you is that distance weakens links with your loved ones. It might not be abrupt but gradually getting in contact gets harder and harder due to different schedules and all. This is why they advise y’all to master dettachment because being attached to a friend or a loved one and later having to cut ties due to the distance or maybe one side feels neglected. But anyway the only way ties can be cut due to distance is probably maybe it was mainly a one sided frienship or relationship but well it all works out sometimes, isn’t it? I’ve lost people that meant the world to me, but dear reader, that’s a story for another day.

Did I mention how expensive it is to move, especially with this current economic crisis in the country? Cause yes it is so damn expensive and if you were actually not prepared to move you’d actually be crying evrytime you see your bank balance. I just came to realize that prices of items differ from one place to the other cause I swear at one point I thought I was being robbed in broad daylight but anyway what can we do (cries in agony).

But honestly depending on your mindset and goals you want to achieve that comes with you having to relocate, it actually is not that hard since with time you get to adapt and love your new surrounding. To be honest, moving gave me the much needed peace i’ve always desired. I am happy

This post was heavily inspired by a friend of mine, Claire, who suggested I should write this blog.

All About This Year

Dear Diary, I’m listening to my Daniel Caesar playlist and all I can think about is we did it. We actually made it to the end of the year, and let’s just say that this year has been a rollercoaster. My mental and emotional health haven’t been the best but at least we tried and that’s all that matters. To break it down, this year has been more about loss than healing like I thought earlier in the year.

When the year started, I was at a place where all I craved was healing and inner peace ’cause I thought I was drained to the core not knowing that it was only the beginning. I thought maybe if I set my goals and mind and set my thoughts on the positives in life maybe I’d get the satisfaction of finding the inner peace I had been craving and trying to work my way towards it. But the universe had other plans. I experienced loss, and by loss I mean I lost friendships that I thought would work and last for a lifetime and a guy I thought I’d love till the death of me. But I kept telling myself that all this was important for my journey towards my self healing. Just like Selene said “I needed to lose you to find me.” And maybe this was such a situation I guess. Do I wish it would have worked some other way? Definitely. But did we have any other choice? I don’t think so. Let’s just blame it on fate and move on, innit?

In between the year, things took a 360⁰ turn. It was like the universe was replacing all I had lost and for once I thought maybe things were actually going according to plan. That maybe I’d have my happy ending finally. So I decided to live in the moment. Take things one day at a time, I said, because maybe if I rushed it we’d get back to square one. So I met this amazing human and I thought to myself that I’d finally found my platonic soulmate. How and why you’d ask, but dear Diary let’s just say from the first text and the first banter to the first voice note and phone call, I was hooked to a soul that I’d never in my wildest dreams thought I’d find. We talked about all the random things you’d think of and we’d exhausted every topic that we ever came across and boy was my soul happy. I gained my self confidence, started taking pictures more and even started using my lip liner and gloss cause I was able to learn to love my plump full lips, all these because of just one random person. I know you’re probably wondering if we still talk since I’m using the past tense, and my answer is yes we still do, though our schedules aren’t the same we find time to catch up. And dear Diary all I can say is I love it here.

Also in between the year, I found love again. How you ask, all I can say is it was unexpected. And as they say, love will find you at the most unexpected, unplanned and random time in your life. And when love finds you, you open your heart and mind to it and embrace it as much as you can because as fast as it came, it will leave and leave you vulnerable to the universe. And so dear Diary, I decided to leap on the chance and I have no regrets whatsoever. I wish I had more to say, but I don’t, because all I have are these feelings that can’t be described but only felt from one heart to another, one soul to the other.

Choices. We make choices everyday and boy I’ve made choices and not so good ones. But why should we dwell on the past and irreversible instead of focusing on the bigger picture which is the lesson learnt from each choice I’ve made. I personally don’t view choices as mistakes because I believe that fate had plans and the universe knows why we made certain choices because we had to learn something from each choice made whether good or bad because one way or another, the universe would throw different situations towards us that would need us to make a choice and hence learn the important life lesson that it tried to teach you. You can never run from the universe and the sooner you learn, understand and accept this, the easier life becomes.

My highlight this year would be the fact that I’ve learnt so much about myself, I’ve learnt to love myself. Every inch of myself m the broken parts that never actually came together, the dark parts that I try to keep hidden, the insecurities I have about myself and every flaw I have. I’ve learnt and still is learning to stop self sabotaging myself but instead try to uplift myself with words of affirmations and constant meditation. I’ve learnt, how strong I am not just emotionally but also mentally, that I can actually go through the hardest most difficult times of my life and still come out victorious. I believe that The Lord cannot put you in a situation where He knows you cannot pull through, but instead He knows your full potential, abilities and strengths you possess as a person. This particularly has helped to accept every situation I find myself in and view it as a challenge that God is trying to tell me that I’m stronger than I think and capable in more ways than I ever thought I was.

All in all dear Diary, this year I’ve learnt a lot and I hope this positive energy that I’m radiating right now will stay all through this new year we are about to start.

LOVE IN EVERY FLAW🖤

Today morning after my shower I passed my mirror without looking at myself which is actually odd since I have a habit of looking at myself in the mirror. Why you’d ask? It’s ’cause I wasn’t feeling attractive or beautiful when I woke up and the mirror would just show me the flaws that I have and I was not psychologically prepared for the aftermath which most times is crying until I felt better, maybe.

I thought of each flaw on every curve of my body. From the dark spots and pimples on my face, to the stretch marks on my breasts, thighs and butt, to the back rolls on my back,the cellulite on my thighs and the fat in my stomach. And with every thought, my self-esteem lowered.

“I mean look at you, who would love you like that? Scratch that, who would like you like that?” These words kept ringing in my head the whole morning and no amount of self-affirmations could stop it. So my last resort was social media. Maybe viewing memes and talking to a few people would cheer me up is what I thought

My first stop was Twitter and this is where all the negativity I felt and had about myself and my body left through the window and positivity came in. This was through a tweet from SZA (one of my favorite RnB female artist) whose first line spoke to me in a personal way. The words were,”I AM A POSITIVE PERSON I WILL NOT BE ACCEPTING NEGATIVITY IN ANY FORM!!!” This was a tweet from yesterday (24th Sept) at 11.11pm. Most people associate this time with manifestation. But that’s a story for another day.

These words made me see myself in a positive light and boosted my self-esteem that I was able to go back to the mirror look myself in it and say something positive about each flaw. Nobody is perfect, no body is perfect and that’s what makes it perfect. Imperfections make us perfect.

“I am love. I am purpose. I choose myself everyday. I am enough. Absolutely no one can say otherwise.” I kept repeating this chant for five minutes until it got through my head and my brain and I could finally believe it. If anyone wants me, they’ll have to accept me with each and every flaw I come with and love me unconditionally. IT’S ALL OR NOTHING. WHOLE OR NOTHING. And also for anyone to love me I’ll have to learn and accept me first.

This goes to you too who’s reading this. You are love, you are purpose, you are enough and always choose yourself. Nobody should tell you otherwise and nobody should try to bring you down because honey you are worthy of love and happiness whether it’s by yourself or with a loved one. Love starts with you. Choose love and you’ll attract love. It’s all in the mindset.

Photo by Maria Paula Vieira from Pexels.

Random Thoughts

From friends to best friends to lovers to exes one major life cycle that shapes us in more ways than we can imagine. We all got our stories about our relationships with others. I mean ain’t that what we’re supposed to do; live, love, laugh and make memories with our loved ones. And in each memory made, each laughter shared, every love that has blossomed and every breathe we take, there’s still this voice that urges you to enjoy it while it lasts cause nothing lasts forever, right?

The biggest part and main reason why we have people around us is to make memories cause people may drift but memories can’t be erased. “Live for now cause tomorrow isn’t promised” my bestfriend usually tells me. I mean why should you stress about the inevitable yet you can make memories of that particular time and cherish it as long as you can. If he’d told me this earlier maybe I wouldn’t be so torn about my past relationships.



If there’s one thing that has helped me cope with every situation or challenge I face it sure is Positivity. Positivity is what has pulled me from the deepest pits of my dark thoughts, healed me from my worst heartbreaks and prepared me for whatever is coming ahead. I know it’s easier said than done but that’s where the closest persons you have come in handy. They can either build you and help you through it or make you crumble and lose it. If none of your closest persons can’t help and guide you through your tribulations then your choice of friends isn’t as good as you thought.



I found love in places I never thought I would. I found love in a person I could never have seen myself with, I found love in an online stranger I never thought would mean the world to me. I’m still looking for love even right now with someone I never thought would look my way, simple plain Jane. I’ve found love in myself, one of the hardest places I could ever find love. If there’s one thing that love has taught me is that the end game is determined by the work and effort you put while you try to make love germinate as a seed and grow into a crop that can finally be harvested and it’s fruit enjoyed.

But in my efforts in trying to find love, I’ve learnt that people want to harvest where they haven’t made any effort to plant, weed and water the seed and let it germinate and grow under suitable conditions, just because the work is too tedious and time wasting for them. But even with all this I’m still looking and searching for a place where love may grow. But hey, I’m still young, what’s the rush?

Have you found love? Have you made or still making enough memories to last you a lifetime? Are you happy and in love with yourself? Leave a comment and tell me all about it ❤️

Dear Diary📒

It’s been a month, a month that has been torture at it’s best painful at it’s best but it’s whatever I brought it to myself so all I have to say is whatever happens happens and it already happened so let’s learn to live with the consequences 😑

But anyways whom am I lying to🙂 I can’t go a day without wondering what he’s doing or where he at 🥺 or who he is with🥴 Did he move on as I think he has or is it that he’s still holding on to the thought of us just like I do😪 But he said I’m hard to move on from and after me there’d probably never be another 😐

I mean I messed up I know, and if I could take back what happened I would but this ain’t August anymore is it? We’re not moving past this are we? (guess not💔) I’m torn because I can’t move a day without thinking about you. I wonder if you do the same. Some nights I’m wishing you would call me like you used to even though you didn’t want to but you just had to🥺. I could call I know but the big question is will you pick up? I guess not💔

I wish I could continue writing past this but Dear Diary I can’t get myself to do it. I’m too torn, too hurt, too broken🙂 I guess it’s two thousand and seventeen all over again but this time without my best friend 💔

Old Fashioned Love💕

Take me back to those days when love was just more than just the three letters. Where if you said you loved me and I said I loved you it would be because we mean it not because it’s what we both want to hear.

If you would’ve asked me what love is five years ago I would have given you a list of what I thought love was but write now as I write this I don’t even know what it is, I don’t know how it feels and I don’t know how it starts but I definitely know how it ends.

“You’re too young too fall in love”, one would say “do you even know what love is?” Another would ask, but quick question, what is your definition of love? Have you ever been in love? If so, how does it feel being in love? I hope I’m not asking too much questions.

“I love you!” Three letter word that can turn a person’s whole world around. But do you love me or are you obsessed with me or are you in love with the idea of being in love with me? You tell me you do love me but how I’m I to trust that? I get it it’s not your fault I have insecurities but a little bit of assurance won’t hurt. Forgive me if I’m wrong but you’re not in love with me never have been.

I want that old fashioned kinda love. A love that isn’t dictated by what society deems as #couplegoals but one that we can be perfectly imperfect. A love I won’t have to doubt who you’re with whom you talk to what are you hiding because my circle is yours my secrets are yours to keep.

It’s all or nothing.

Dear Diary 📒; A letter to my crush🥺

Is it the fact that I 😊 I 😂 I have a sense of humor😝 and I have a lot of people hanging around me👯👩🏿‍🤝‍👨🏾👭🏿 that you can’t see that the smile does not reach my eyes🙂, the laugh is forced😐 the sense of humor hides my insecurities😑 and the friends are just a source of distraction 😪

Distraction from the shell I hide in💔 the walls I’ve built up high no one can climb🌚 all just because I’m afraid of you seeing the empty depressed lonely side of me which is the actual me🙂

Afraid that once you see this you’ll flee because you cannot handle a depressed human with a lot more troubles and insecurities that you can’t handle as you have those of your own 😪 Afraid that you will panic and leave when my anxiety kicks in and you don’t know how to deal with it😔 Afraid that the insecurities I have that make me overthink about your intentions towards me will push you away 😐 Afraid that you’ll draw me in make me obsessed and dependent on you just to up and leave like I never meant ish to you💔

I’m I wrong to think of all these things that make me afraid to believe that you actually like me genuinely with my flaws🥺 Wrong to think that you actually like me because of the company I keep😐 Wrong to think that you like me because I’m a puzzle to you one that intrigues you🙂 Wrong to think that I’m a maze that you want to uncover it’s secret doors and later leave when you’re done😔

I’m sorry that I can’t be a normal girl who knows what she wants but instead a messed up girl who is just as confused about herself 😣 If only I was just a normal girl then I’d like you without triggering my insecurities and just say,”Fudge it 😃 it is what it is 😊” but sadly I’m not😞

I wish I could tell you to please wait for me until I’m better or just hold me until everything gets better 🥺 I wish it were that simple 😓

When you see this I hope it won’t change your mind about me🥺 about us🥺 because I actually like you too🥺👉🏾👈🏾

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness
Jonathan Safran Foer

Incase you see this💔

I think we rushed that’s why he left, or maybe it was my stubbornness, or did I offend him? I guess I did offend him😪 Or is because I refused to show up on his birthday, or is it about the girl he told me not to worry about 🥺 Did I do wrong by telling him I didn’t like her? Or is because I went through his phone that morning that everything went left😪 Was I the problem? Or was the sex that bad? Was I not assuring enough for him to open up to me? Or is it that I was pushy?

Please make me understand why he opted to up and leave. He said he loved me he promised to stay by me. Did my anxiety push him away or was it my insecurities? I wanted it to work God knows I did but why didn’t he feel the same way? I guess I’ll never know 😓 I guess it’ll be this way till forever. But what forever is it 💔 is it the same forever he meant when he said that forever ain’t forever if it ain’t with me?💔

All I ever wanted was us all I still want is us but if that’s not what you wanted why didn’t you say so? Were you afraid to break my heart the same way you broke it when you chose to leave? Or was it because you felt pity for little ol’ Lexie?

Should I call him and get my answers? Will he pick or will he decline the call like he did the rest 😓 It hurts, make it stop. I can’t do this, I can’t feel shit, please make it stop💔

Dear Diary 📝

I’m scared. This is the first actual time I’m saying this. I’m scared I’m losing myself. I don’t know how to explain this feeling but I’m tired of putting up a facade when I know I’m not okay. I don’t know who I am. I’m just an empty shell of who I used to be.

If you’d look at me you’d really admire the kind of happiness I hold. Most people know me as quite bubbly but I’m I really? They don’t know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep, how many times I’ve wished that I could talk to somebody, anybody. But I can’t not because I don’t want to but because I can’t form words to explain my hurt my pain my emptiness.

Sitting on my bed at night asking myself where I went wrong. What I’m lucking. Is this how I’ll spend the rest of my life? Cause I don’t want it. I don’t.

I’m slowly breaking but no one can tell. They said those who laugh loudest have a lot to hide but seems like not all of them know.

High expectations, that fucked me up. Overthinking, ruined me. But for pits sake I’m only a teen. I’m still learning so why me? Guess it’s a phase we all go through.

It hurts you know, when those around you can’t see through you. Everyone thinks you’re fine cause you’re still young so what got you stressing when you should be living your best life? I wish I knew too.

Somebody hurts you yet you apologize to them,”My bad, I’m sorry.” Why you ask? Cause you don’t want to lose them. It’s the fear of being alone, the fear of not being surrounded by people, it’s the fear of not being enough.

Anywho, who cares anyway? No one just like I thought.

I seek to be free, mind body and soul 😪

TO MY LONG LOST LOVER

How are you? How’ve you been? It’s been a minute since we last talked or seen each other. Hope you’re fairing on well.

I know you’re wondering why I’m writing this. But hey you know I used to do this — the long 3am texts about my wild thoughts, my insecurities, us, the future and a lot more. So it’s no news I guess.

Do you miss me? Do you think about me? Do you have dreams about me? Or do you resent me? Or hate me? Or hate the thoughts of me? Cause if I were you I’d choose the latter cause what I did ain’t easy to process. But hey at that time that felt like the right thing to do.

If we ever meet again do you think the attraction will still be there? Cause once upon a time I believed you were my soulmate. I know it’s crazy how things have been going with us still talking even after the events that took place, but do you trust me like I think you do? Or I’m I just lying to myself? Don’t answer I guess we both know the answer.

I’d say I still love you but I don’t know anymore. Let me leave it at there cause I ain’t shedding no more tears.

Yours truly

Cheri

Let me leave it at there cause I ain’t shedding no more tears